The Diogenes Lifestyle

The explanation for how a whole new lifestyle comes to be is often complex. In the case of the now much admired “Diogenes Lifestyle,” the story can be told quite simply.

The grandfather, the elder Diogenes, had doubtless thought himself clever. His will clearly stipulated that his granddaughter was to inherit sole ownership of his vast biotechnological enterprise. The will had also held that, before inheriting, the granddaughter in question would have to pass some sort of test related to the biotech industry. The will did not specify the nature of the test, and the old man had probably assumed that such test would involve some sort of written examination on biology or some such thing. However, the board of directors had a much darker sort of test in mind.

The board of directors decided upon the test for the young Miss Diogenes. She would have to agree to be injected with the company’s prize invention and to field test them living in California’s largest state park for a month. Of course, the company’s invention was nanobots: microscopic robots designed to travel within the body and repair any damage.

When informed that she would be required to camp out in the woods by herself for a month, Miss Diogenes first concerns had related to her, obviously expensive nails and hair. Once the enormity of the task had set in, her next question had regarded — whatever she would do for food? The lawyer for the company had smiled and explained that, thanks to the nanotechnology, she would be able to digest even tree bark if necessary. It had taken Miss Diogenes some time to accept that he was being serious.

Eventually, however, Miss Diogenes agreed to accept the challenge — and the nanobots. Naturally, the board kept from her that they were hoping that she would not survive the experiment, leaving them with the inheritance.

On the day that Miss Diogenes was due to return from her time in the woods, the middle-aged men of the board of directors shifted restlessly. If the young woman they were waiting for had not survived, their company stood to retain control over many billions of dollars.

However, just when they were thinking of leaving, Miss Diogenes emerged from the trees. Her appearance caught them by surprise. When she had set out, Diogenes had had her hair exquisitely coiffed; now her dirty blonde (in both senses of the word) hair spilled carelessly over her shoulders. Previously, she had been carefully dressed; now she wore only a thin slip. She had earlier loaded herself with all the bags and supplies she could carry; she now carried only a slender tree branch, which she took occasional bites out of.

“Well,” the board’s attorney sighed, struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy, “We’ll be taking back the nanobots . . . and turning over your inheritance. If you would just fill out this paperwork . . . .”

“No!” she interrupted him.

“What!?” The gimlet-eyed attorney erupted, head jerking up.

The young woman grinned broadly. “Now that I’ve tried living off the land,” she announced, “I’ve found that it makes me happier than I have ever been!”

And with that, she turned and ran, joyously, back into the forest.

Epilogue:

After the board of directors recovered from its shock, they came to realize what an astonishing success their nanobot technology had turned out to be, and how popular a consumer product it would make. After the company began offering its nanobots to the public, the technology spread like wildfire. And now, wide swaths of the US population depend on nanotechnology to live out in the forests and off of the land, in what has come to be known as . . . the Diogenes Lifestyle.

Such lifestyle has been chiefly credited for addressing the modern world’s unemployment problems.

The End(?)